A peer’s perspective

The manager’s perspective is the easy one, because you have some authority over the difficult people. Now let’s assume that there are difficult people among your peers.

Dealing with difficult people is simple in principle, but requires a lot of patience and self-control.

Always behave in a calm and professional manner

Remember that difficult people feed on conflict. They exist by opposition. Also, they will be quick to jump on you if you (rightfully) let go off some steam ("look, he insulted me!", "look, he walked out of the meeting!"). Difficult people are a walking provocation and will take every opportunity to undermine your credibility. Don’t enter their game. It can be very difficult to contain your emotions when feeling mistreated, particularly in public, but remember that most people will understand what’s going on and will appreciate you handling the problem professionally, even if they don’t say it aloud. Be consistently professional and you’ll outlast difficult people.

Keep them close (enough) to you

If you exclude them for your own comfort, they will use that against you. You will be perceived as the one playing solo (!). Whether in email, meeting, discussion, report, include them just as if they were good team mates. I noticed that you can easily defuse problems by asking difficult people their opinion about (non sensitive) topics. Their opinion might even be worthwhile (remember, we’re not questioning their skills). By including them, they’ll also have a much harder time criticizing later on.

Remember who and what is important

It’s easy to get obsessed with the difficult people and to try anticipating how they will react, what they will say, and so on. Remember that you work for your boss/client. They are the ones that matter. Manage difficult people but do not get obsessed with them. When under pressure from difficult people, it greatly helps to remember that they don’t matter that much. Picture them as a noisy but harmless little dog.

Be assertive

Assertiveness will help you remain kindly professional while setting limits. The difficult people will see these limits and understand that you will be in your rights if they overstep. When you make a compromise, make sure they understand it’s a compromise that you’re willing to make, not a weakness (simply ending a discussion with “ok I can live with this compromise, let’s do it this way” is enough to dissipate any feeling of “winning” that the difficult person might have). Body language is important too: eye contact, steady voice, and so on.

Use humour

Difficult people are often over-serious, intense and dramatic types. If you enter their game, every discussion will take an intense turn and become a mine field. I have noticed that humour or sarcasm throws difficult people off and allows steering the discussion to a more appropriate tone. It also works when others are present. It allows sending a clear message that cannot be misinterpreted as conflict-oriented.

Be part of a group

Difficult people tend to pick on relatively isolated people in the workplace. They like conflict, but they certainly don’t want to be outnumbered. Develop good relationships with people around you and around the difficult people. Don’t overdo it, no need to pretend being buddies, just be polite and helpful. The difficult people will understand that messing with you might lead to trouble. Don’t explicitly involve other people or ask them to take sides. They will not appreciate being dragged into an interpersonal issue. Additionally, it will inflate the problem and in the end you will be blamed for starting it all. On the other hand, involving others in discussions with difficult people (when relevant) helps curb difficult people’s bad behaviour.

Do not try to change them

You can somewhat change behaviour but not personality.

Be very persistent in applying the rules mentioned above

Difficult people "win" (whatever that means) when others don't have the patience to deal with them, and make mistakes. Even if you apply these rules, you might suffer temporary setbacks. But on the long term, the good people win (unless the organisation is dysfunctional). As time goes by, more and more people in the organisation will avoid the difficult people. Ultimately, difficult people self-destruct.

Reading this article, we can ask ourselves: is it a personal or a professional issue? Well, it’s first and foremost professional, but as human beings we cannot completely isolate (it’s not even desirable) our personal views from our professional behaviour. It’s natural to like – and sometimes dislike – some people at the office. We shouldn’t even hide it. As long as we place the organisation’s interest above our personal feelings (and act accordingly), everything’s fine.

Additional sources:

- Keith Levick explores, among other things, why difficult people are difficult.
- Susan Heathfield also offers some useful advice.

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